This post is inspired by a discussion in my community of those who have done the Inner Child Workshop with me.
How Guilt shows up
In little, sometimes insignificant ways you feel guilty. When you are watching an extra episode of your favorite series, lingering over a crossword or scrabble game, when you indulge in a “special” category of pedicure or when you don’t answer a call from an annoying person or send a message saying you are busy when you are not, you suffer a little twinge. Sometimes these accumulate and surface unpleasantly large leading to a full blown attack of self-loathing. Let’s look at possible reasons for this.
Childhood conditioning
As a child if you were constantly accused of wasting time or money, those words probably still sound quite loud. You still feel pressured to listen to them by changing your actions. It’s likely you were raised by people who “for your own good” demonstrated the value of time and/or money in ways you still find difficult not to obey without question. It could be that they shared their guilt when they broke some rules and felt lousy. And you swore you would never do anything you’d repent later. It may be that you had to struggle against the odds at home, at school, on the sports field and those make or break scenarios still run your thinking and decision making. It’s also possible you grew up in a culture (that being the rule 30 or 40 years back) where being busy was glorified and taking it easy, condemned. Nobody had written a book called the four hour work week !!!!
The Invisible Math
Could it be, that unknown to you, your mind keeps a score of the times when you cut yourself some slack. Every time you say yes to “wasting time” on something that doesn’t count as productive or useful you are giving yourself minus points. You also give yourself good marks or brownie points every time you go the extra mile doing things you don’t like doing. And then you balance the two sides. In some way this is like a compensation matrix you have built to keep the peace. I am calling it invisible math for a reason. And it could be for time or money. You spend less on clothes and go all out for a special holiday. In the case of money or time, this math is not literal but only in your mind. In other words, you probably have enough money to do both and want to, but feel accountable to obeying a rule that became redundant long back
Guilt is always fear based
The reality is that from when you first felt guilt and to this day, it is only about fear. You fear the consequences of your actions, sometimes even your feelings and thoughts. The reality is that most of these fears are irrational. They have been planted for reasons unknown to you or even the ones who planted them. Getting in touch with the fear is the first step in breaking free of the guilt trap. While the guilt may be a thought, the fear will always be a raw physical sensation. When you feel that quickening of your heart beating in your chest as you select “next episode” or that subtle gurgle in your belly before you say “proceed to pay” – that is the time to take action.
Becoming present to fear
Once you acknowledge the fear, you have the opportunity to feel it fully. The process can be the one you are most comfortable with – deep breathing, tapping (EFT – even though I am afraid, I choose to love and accept myself), writing about it, recording a voice note. If you are unfamiliar with any of these, even pausing to drink a few sips of water while being fully aware of your fear works.
What about guilt from a past mistake?
Apart from moment to moment guilt about the thoughts you have or the actions you take or omit there is sometimes a more difficult situation. A past memory brings up guilt which is significant. It has to do with something you did or didn’t – an error of omission or commission. On most days it stays dormant and yet when it surfaces, apparently triggered accidentally it can make you wince and send you into a dark gloomy place.
Making Amends
There is a beautiful step part of any program of recovery (AA, NA and other 12 step programs) which urges the guilty one to make direct amends wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Yes, sometimes to not make the incident known publicly so that you can make amends to the one you harmed is important. However, if possible, you can, in your own way, make amends. You can just stop taking the actions that caused harm and prevent further damage. Amends can be an apology delivered in person or in writing. Amends can be paying back in some form. This might be a very complicated situation and you can discuss with your therapist or someone you trust how best to carry it out.
Forgiveness is unconditional
The final step to ending guilt is forgiving yourself. If there has been a chain of events this might involve forgiving all the people in the chain including yourself. For every reason you look for, to forgive yourself, there will be one to not – to continue letting the guilt punish you. The point here is that you free up yourself when you forgive. So forgiving yourself is only and always unconditional. It is not in order to or because of. Here is a visualization you can attempt. Visualize walking into a room full of light. Release your guilt into this light. See it dissolving and disappearing. Yes, these processes are meant to rewire your brain and yet you feel the tension in your body relaxing too.
In Summary
Guilt is a rude and nagging interruption in your thoughts and feelings. Guilt prevents you from moving on and taking positve actions in your life. Getting to the core of guilt will help identify the irrational underlying fear. Staying mindful of your stream of thinking gets you to catch guilt before it snowballs into unmanageable anxiety. Working through your childhood conditioning and forgiving yourself are the key to getting out of the guilt trap.
To learn more and participate in the Inner Child Workshop get in touch with the author
Meena Iyer
9999966540
Leave a Reply