The “inner child” refers to the part of you that embodies the feelings, memories, and experiences you had during childhood. It is the little boy or girl you were at 3 or 8 or even 15 – the way you made sense of the world around you and created ways to survive and cope. As you grew up, unresolved emotions and experiences from that time remained within you, shaping how you respond to situations as adults. These hurtful or even confusing experiences create deep-seated “inner child wounds” that you carry into adulthood. You operate from them. Everything you do is to either try and heal them or hide them because they make you ashamed. By understanding these wounds, by knowing their symptoms, and getting that none of it was your fault, you can begin to work toward healing and self-compassion. Here are five of the deepest inner child wounds and steps to start the healing process.
1. The Abandonment Wound
The abandonment wound arises when a child feels neglected or left behind, often because of emotional or physical absence or distance from caregivers. This can be caused by actual abandonment, such as the separation of parents, loss of a parent or emotional unavailability as when carers were present but preoccupied; or they were physically or mentally unwell. As adults, those with abandonment wounds may struggle with feelings of unworthiness, fear of being abandoned, or cling to people, places or behaviours in an attempt to feel secure.
Signs of the Abandonment Wound:
- Extreme fear of loneliness
- Avoidance of being alone
- Emotional dependence on others – particularly partners or friends who might find this behaviour needy or clingy
- Trust issues with people and organisations
- Self-sabotaging relationships out of fear they will end
- Using food, relationships or mind-altering substances to stop feeling neglected by numbing yourself.
Healing Steps:
- Validating yourself : The first step is allowing the vulnerable parts of you to feel the fear instead of distracting from it and denying its existence. It means saying to yourself I am afraid so I will do something to overcome my fear.
- Professional Support: Working with a coach /therapist/ mentor can be transformative in understanding and healing abandonment issues to allow you to begin trusting yourself.
- Self-Acknowledgement: Remind yourself that you have worked hard to get where you are at and have all the potential to thrive in life.
- Self Love : Learning to trust and love yourself is the beginning of recovering from childhood wounds of abandonment. The first thing you need to learn is to stop abandoning yourself.
- Self-Sufficiency: Making it a priority to spend time alone and learning to enjoy your own company can be done at any age. It’s never too late. Choosing to be by yourself will open many doors to experiencing your authentic self and reward you amply.
2. The Rejection Wound
The rejection wound is all about a child feeling unwanted or unaccepted by those around them. It could look like being rejected by the family, peers, or even socially being excluded. If you were bullied, labelled constantly, subject to harsh criticism, or rejected on the grounds of appearance, gender, background or abilities it caused deep trauma. As an adult you would struggle with self-worth, fearing criticism. You probably assumed that you were unlovable. You may end up avoiding close relationships to protect yourself from potential rejection. Or you might put up with unacceptable behaviour from your partners, friends or co-workers to avoid being rejected by them. Your unworthiness begins to dictate the goals you set for yourself, even the dreams you aspire to achieve.
Signs of the Rejection Wound:
- A tendency to isolate or tip-toe around those you are in relationships with.
- Constantly struggling with feelings of inferiority or inadequacy.
- People-pleasing or seeking approval from others to prevent rejection.
- Difficulty setting boundaries for fear of being rejected.
Healing Steps:
- Inner Child Work: Reconnect with your inner child, reminding that younger version of yourself that they are valuable, lovable, and accepted just as they are.
- Facing Fears of Rejection: Work with a coach or therapist to see how your fear of rejection has made you okay with how others treat you and learn to stand up for yourself knowing that it’s the most important step towards reclaiming your identity.
- Re-affirming Self-Love: Incorporate ways to treat yourself with love and care.. Grab every opportunity to be loving and kind to yourself. Learn to accept praise with grace and feel its warmth wash over you.
- Drawing Boundaries: Give yourself room to grow and develop the ability to say no. Protect yourself from unreasonable behaviour by stopping to agree to demands made by those who perceive you as a weak person easily swayed by the rewards of approval and acceptability.
3. The Betrayal Wound
Betrayal wounds stem from broken trust in childhood. If promises were broken by inconsistent, unreliable, or distracted caregivers you develop a belief that others cannot be trusted. Children cope by creating fall back plans with meticulous detail or become betrayers themselves. What did you do? You may have become secretive not letting anyone know what you are planning. You may be over-cautious with your possessions to the extent of being obsessive. Deep down you can never relax when another is in charge. At work you find it hard to delegate, choosing to micro-manage. Intimacy – “in-to-me-see” is difficult as you struggle to be open and transparent fearing betrayal.
Signs of the Betrayal Wound:
- Difficulty trusting others, especially in intimate relationships.
- Fear of being vulnerable or opening up to others.
- A tendency to control situations or people to feel secure.
- Inability to be spontaneous.
- An intense fear of being deceived or hurt.
Healing Steps:
- Building Self-Trust: Focus on setting and keeping small promises to yourself. This strengthens self-reliance and builds trust within. As you learn to trust yourself, you lay the foundation for trusting others.
- Processing Past Hurts: Working with a therapist on processing betrayal experiences from childhood can help you be with these wounded parts of yourself. As an adult you can hold space while you release, recover and heal from painful past experiences.
- Baby steps with adventure: Being open and taking the slightest of risks, seeing things work and trusting yourself to enjoy rather than avoid spontaneity.
- Slowly Opening Up: Testing the waters with a support group or people you meet in similar environments to gradually allow yourself to open up. The therapeutic relationship is one of the first you can learn to trust and widen your circle slowly.
4. The Shame Wound
The shame wound is rooted in feelings of inadequacy and a belief that one is fundamentally flawed. It is created by parents who also mostly feel flawed and either express or mask it or cope with it in mal-adaptive ways. Shame can be toxic. It stunts emotional growth and the ability to give and receive love. Shame destroys belonging and keeps children hiding and apologetic for things they have never done. It destroys the essence, the spirit of the child and once you grow up shows up in a myriad ways. Shame prevents a person from feeling their feelings or even trusting what they are feeling because they believe there is fundamentally something wrong with them.
Signs of the Shame Wound:
- Feelings of unworthiness or inferiority.
- Self-criticism and constant unfair comparison to others.
- Avoidance of attention or praise, feeling uncomfortable when acknowledged.
- Hiding parts of yourself to avoid disapproval or criticism.
- Not fully feeling joy or sadness, anger or peace, love or disdain.
- Living under a shadow at all times
Healing Steps:
- Recognise the filter of Shame: Seeing thru the shame that colours everything you feel or do and commit to peeling it off layer by layer. Listen for the shame when you speak and cover up for things you don’t need to regret.
- Stop apologising: Catching yourself when you say sorry for no fault of yours or you use an apology to communicate that you are upset at the other person’s behaviour. Notice that you are sorry for everything, including just existing.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Forgive yourself, challenge negative self-talk by speaking to yourself with kindness, the way you would to a little child
- Release the Mask: Slowly begin to express your true self without fear of judgement. Start with people you trust and feel safe around.
- Grow your bold side: Develop courage to own the unconventional parts of you and be unapologetic about expressing your unique gifts.
Finding Solace in Inner Child Healing
Healing your inner child is not about erasing past hurts. It is about accepting and nurturing the parts of you that have been in pain. You can clearly see the price you have paid for living with this pain for years, maybe decades. By acknowledging these wounds, you give yourself permission to grow beyond them and create a life that aligns with your authentic self. The journey may be challenging, but the reward is a profound sense of peace and a stronger connection with who you truly are.
You can start small and be patient with yourself. Remember, healing is a journey that takes time, compassion, and a willingness to care for yourself in ways you may have been neglected in the past. Embrace this journey with an open heart, and allow your inner child to lead you to a life of love, acceptance, and joy.
Meena Iyer
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